Deep Sea Baby

Recently I am depressed about my life, about my ex, about my future, about what the hell I did in my whole life so far.

Did I disappointed my parents?

Did I disappointed my ex so that he left? 

Did I do something wrong or choose the wrong way so the life becoming like this?

I know, it is not that bad but it is not in my expectation, either.

It is full of contradiction in my mind. Those life things probably everybody used to have when they were in their twenties.

I talk to counselor about my dreams; most of them are nightmares as follows:

1. Eaten by a lot of little fish in the forest with glittering clothes.

2. I failed the mission and is locked in my home until the place get exploded.

3. A lot of zombie babies waiting outside of the lecture, crawling to me, but they don't have teeth which makes me confusing whether to run or stay.

4. Escaping in a huge house with hundreds of rooms trying to get rid of a big black shadow, and my mom supposed to be with me but somebody picked her up and said that they will protect her but left me here, until I saw the man decapitated with seven letters in his bloody neck in one of these rooms.

There are still quite a lot, but the last one is kind of terrifying.

These drown me into insomnia and other trivial problems which affects me doing nothing and becoming passive.

I have aware that I cannot be like this, it is not ME, the original one.

It makes me anxious and out of my mind very often and what I can do is nothing.

That feels SO BAD.

Since I have got minor programs in Psychological Counseling, I approximately know how to divert the attention from the bad mood; not very completely but somehow soothe my temper sometimes. One is watching the TV series: Castle, Criminal Minds. The other one is traveling.

I found that the most lovely thing in my life is that I try to traveled as much as I can, which console and enrich my boring, or precisely, regular life.

Why is related to my depression? Well, I think about it on the bus.

I come up an idea that maybe through the way trying to get organized of these things I am interested in can make me calm.

And trying to be affirmative about what I have done in these 23 years.

As I am so much addicted to traveling, I think I should take the notes of how I plan a trip, a vacation, a long journal.

Not those photos I took in every country as those blogs usually did, but the way to have a plan.

sometimes they have got different way for planning a short trip, weekend city-break or long vacation, it depends on what you are looking for.

I think I probably obssessive in planning, scheduling, something regular...etc.

It is just an idea after counseling while very likely to put this idea into effect sooner or later on the blog.

P.S. I think in order to get through my routine as soon as possible, I should plan another trip in advance to make sure that I can finish my job in progress.